I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
