So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
