I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
