You're earring is so big in my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
