you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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