Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
