The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
