i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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