I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
