I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drunk is not a location!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
