o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
