I want to make a zoo with you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Green mimosas i think yes
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
