he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
