and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
either way he was missing a nipple.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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