I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
