I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
