also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
