I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
