i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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