I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
