just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
