I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
