Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
