Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
