You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
