Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
