You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
