those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
