Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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