Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
