the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
