I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
