with your own penis?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
