A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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