...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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