so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
