you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
