I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
