Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
