Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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