apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
