i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
