DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i out mim tonsoeep
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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