You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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