We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
