i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
