My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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