You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
