forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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