Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
