Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
